They’re sending out a message about themselves with what they’re wearing. That’s why you often see two guys dating with totally similar styles. In the last few years I’ve gotten tattoos and gauged my ears because I find that look sexy on other people, but also because I know it means something to people who like that look, too. Some guys go to the gym to bulk up because they want a muscle top/bottom. That’s the thing about desire: we fashion ourselves after what we’re attracted to, even when we don’t know we’re doing it. Though I wasn’t really a part of their group, I watched from afar and sort of wished I could be like them. Everybody else tried to fit in, and I was drawn to them because they didn’t fit in. There was something really interesting to me about them, something edgy and urgent. I was interested in the less popular punk rock kids - the scene kids who wore black, played music and dotted their eyes in eyeliner, were the first to get tattoos, had strange haircuts and probably pierced their own ears. However, I was always drawn to a much darker scene. Everyone thought the cool kids in my grade were the popular kids who fit in and who everybody liked. I spent my late elementary and early middle school years with my grandmother in Saint Louis, Missouri. I sent him an emergency text message a few days ago because I saw this so hot Latino guy on the subway, tall (check), skinny (check), arms covered in tattoos (check), septum piercing (check) and he was carrying a skateboard (bonus!). He told me if I’m attracted to hipsters, not just white guys the brown hipsters are harder to find, but they are there if you’re looking. My best friend (a black gay) and I were talking the other day about how conflicted I am about liking white guys, as if there’s something wrong with me and I’m not supposed to be this way. Basically I’m only attracted to hipsters and artsy, creative types. I’m also attracted to tall skinny guys who wear tight jeans, maybe they’re tatted, maybe they have long hair or a half-shaved head or plays in some dumb band or otherwise works in the creative field. I don’t give a shit if you’re “straight acting” or if a purse falls out of your mouth when you speak - because I’m probably the only gay guy on the earth who thinks a femme top is kind of hot. You need to be skinny, and I hate muscles and guys with too much muscle. Over the years I’ve seen my “type” of guy become increasingly specific. I love the way our hands look when we lock them together and I love staring into eye colors that are foreign to me. When I see a white guy I’m attracted to, I instantly notice his hands and how they are different from mine. When I was with Max, he would do something and I would go, “You are so white!” and it was a funny thing we teased each other about. To be clear I love all boys: like, if you are a total top and have a huge/nice penis, call me. I love white boys, but it’s not like if you’re white that’s all you need to get with me. But I’m a black gay man who has never dated a black guy, and it’s a topic I’m pretty sensitive about. Since most people date within their own race anyway, often for familial or other cultural reasons, the lack of diversity in my dating pool probably doesn’t come as too much of a shock. Sean, Max, Trevor, Tyler* – a grand total of eleven years of relationships with white boys. In some ways, however, my Angry Blocker was right. But his message still bothers me today, mostly because it makes a gay male truth painfully clear: that the majority of gay men in America have a race problem.
I could barely finish his profile because I actually fell asleep reading it. But that’s not why I wasn’t interested in him. Clearly this guy was going through something, having been burned any number of times by guys, black and otherwise, who are not into black guys. “Another black guy who is racist against his own people!” He blocked me immediately. I told him “No,” and his response has stuck with me for years. This was not an unusual request in these parts. It all happened so long ago that I forgot what common come-on line he used exactly, but I do remember that in the course of our conversation he asked if I wanted to have sex - right now. A FEW YEARS AGO I was on a gay dating site and this guy wrote me a friendly message.